I spy something RED

Do you?  It's all I could look at while we were taking our tour of where Mandela did his time in the clink.  Which, adding to my foul mood, they failed to mention was closed for renovation until we were on the boat heading towards the island.  Her husband was obnoxious too.  He couldn't seem to get enough of ringing the little bells outside the cell block doors, delighted in the annoyed looks of all those around him.

Asian Tourists

We all know asian tourists are annoying when it comes to getting the perfect picture.  We've talked about it here before, and we'll talk about it here again before this trip is over I'm sure.  They can take any calm, serene moment and turn it into a photo frenzy nothing short of Paris Hilton going to jail.  And they take their cameras EVERYWHERE they go, no matter what.  Here, we have your typical asian couple walking to breakfast in the Maldives with more gear than it took to film the Lord of the Rings trilogy.  I guess if you're going to capture the play of shadows between the salmon and the cream cheese just right you need to be prepared.

Seriously - Shut the F*CK UP ALREADY!

So here we are enjoying a lazy evening at a cozy lounge in Cambodia.  That is, we were enjoying our evening.  In the booths around us are somewhat well behaved American students newly arrived on their tourism study abroad program.  Except for one, that is.  I've seen a lot of drunk, loud, obnoxious people in my day (see below in the list), but this one wins the prize.  She redefines Borderline Personality Disorder.  She can't shut the hell up, and it's as if four people are trying to speak inside her head at once.  She has basically taken over the lounge, spewing her demented brand of American representation to anyone who will listen.  Unfortunately the Dutch table next to her wanted no more, sparking a brief confrontation when they tried to move to a table far far away in another galaxy.  As I write this I am witnessing the entire place repositioning themselves to get a better view of what will be the most spectacularly imminent implosion of dignity I'll ever witness.

Banana Hammocks

The Marlboro Man

I couldn't tell which was worse - the pollution from the less-than-eco-friendly motors of the boats going down the Mekong Delta, or the fumes constantly coming from this guy's cigarettes. It's one thing to quietly sneak away and have a smoke or two on a day long tour.  It's quite another to chain smoke from the beginning to end of it, including during lunch, in the bathroom, on the boat, in the candy factory...  You get the idea.  The fact that of the thirteen people on the tour, seven were children under the age of twelve and subjected to his growth-stunting habit makes him even more awesome.  The only time he didn't have a death stick in his trap was on the van, but his compulsive nic-fit twitching was worse than the smoke anyways.  Apparently the "smoking isn't cool anymore" campaign hasn't made its way to Spain.  Which is a shame, because it might have saved his Spaniard life.

"The Professor" - Terracotta Warrior Tour

Nobody likes a know-it-all.  Which is why nobody liked this guy, including his wife.  He just couldn't keep his big mouth shut, pontificating on the meaning of life, travel, and anything else that entered his over-burdened mind.  Not content to just let our guide do her job and lead the way, he actually went so far as to take her flag and do it himself (seen here).  At one point, he was even trying to teach her how to pronounce the word "horse" correctly, getting angry at her because she was pronouncing it "house".  Next thing you know he's going to try to teach her how to say "fried rice"...

Franz Joseph Glacier Heli-Hike, New Zealand

The only thing better than an Asian tourist that doesn't speak English is an Asian tourist that doesn't speak English precariously perched on the edge of an icy cliff of a glacier trying to fill up his water bottle while our guide screams at him, unsuccessfully, to get the hell away from there before he kills himself.

Milford Sound Boat Cruise, New Zealand

This group of girls must have taken at least two millionn pictures - all in the same position huddled around this stupid little bell.  They seemed not to notice the world's most breathtaking scenery all around them, the actual point of this place that takes 5 hours by bus to get to,  But hey, if it's the bell that did it for them and not the giant fjord surrounding us then who am I to judge.  There was lots of giggling, tons of peace signs thrown, and of course you can see them ringing the bell.  It was quite a contrast to the serenity and peacefullness of the Milford Sound!

Bachus Restaurant in Bleinheim, New Zealand

Technically this wasn't a tour, but I'm bitter enough about these people to include them anyways. They sat down right before us at a very nice restaurant, and were about as loud and obnoxious as they come. Note the exasperated look on the waitress's face. Plus we got screwed when somehow their order got in ahead of ours and we had to wait for what felt like months to get our damn salad. I get cranky when I'm hungry...

Fraser Island Buffet Lunch, Australia

Do you dare wear short shorts... The buffet sucked, too...

Fraser Island Tour Guide, Australia

It's a sad day when the actual guide is "the one in the group". It was just one of the many many problems with our Fraser Island trip. This guy didn't know what the hell he was talking about, at any point, for the entire tour. And that's when he actually bothered to talk, which wasn't often. Here he is trying to explain why the sky is blue or something.

Bay of Islands Dunerider Tour, New Zealand

It figures our very first tour would lead to our very first nomination. Normally, after being late back to the bus and holding up the group the first time, people get embarrassed and don't do it again. But not our purple shirted warrior. She managed to hold up the group not once, not twice, not thrice, but four separate times. Quite a feat. Add to that her having a panic attack at the top of the sand dune and refusing to go down it on her board and you have a real contender for top prize.